


Male or Female?

by ReaperBelial



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: F/M, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, M/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-03-31 07:32:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3969457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaperBelial/pseuds/ReaperBelial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grell was never sure, what the problem with her gender was. But one thing was clear from the beginning. She wanted to be someone William could love. Because she loved him for such a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, this is one of the few fanfictions I wrote in english. My first language is german, so there may be some mistakes in the writing. I hope you enjoy it anyway!
> 
> This fanfiction was created a certain idea:  
> What if Grell wanted to be a woman because she wanted to be loved by William.  
> Don' t get me wrong, I really think Grell is a male-to-female transgender, but I find the idea interesting.

It was late and the shifts had ended in the shinigami realm. Grell walked through the long hall, on her way to Williams office. The only sound that could be heard was the clicking of her heels. How long was it, since she had began to address herself as “she”, instead of “he”? She did' nt know anymore. There was a short time in the beginning after she had become a shinigami, when she had not really cared about the he, the way everybody addressed her. But now, she wished she could be the opposite gender.

With a gentle knock, she opened the door to the office of the dispatch manager. William looked up from his desk, adjusting his glasses as he ever did. A habit that brought Grell a little smirk every time she registered it. Since that one day, when he nearly got overrun by the cinematic record of a human, only because he had lost his glasses.  
“What is it at this hour, Sutcliff?” said William with his quiet professional tone. Grell placed a small book on the desk, right over Williams work. “You wanted that record really bad, really fast. There you have it!” she did' nt make an effort of being gentle or flirty with him. Just for this moment, she had only work on her mind. As she moved from the desk and turned to leave the office again, there was a little bit of hesitation in the movements.

William stared a moment on the record before him, then he looked back at Grell. Something was odd with the other reaper. “Grell?” he said with a little more pressure than necessary in his voice. Immediately, Grell stopped walking and looked over her shoulder. “What is it?” Williams voice gave her a slight shiver. He had' nt called her by her first name in ages. The manager stood up and adjusted his glasses again, before speaking. “What´s wrong? It´s not normal for you to do overwork or come back at this hour?” She gave him a smirk, but not the thoothie one this time. “I had things to manage and you wanted your work done,” She raised her arms in her typically manner of saying ~I don´t know~ “Is' nt it a really late hour for you too? Normally you end your work on time to get enough time to sleep.” Williams look seemed to sharpen. “What do you know? We did' nt share-” “-a room in ages!” she ended his sentence and turned back to him. “Seriously Will, what do you want? It´s really an eternity since we have last done anything together. I think you are not the right one to judge my habits either.” she sighed. “I get it, ok? You do' nt need to play the nice guy suddenly. I am ok without you...” she turned again.

The last one startled William. But at least, Grell proved his suspicion that something was not right. “You do' nt change your way of acting so drastically without a reason-” “I said it's ok!” this time she did 'nt turn back to him. “I know you have chosen someone else!” She startled herself. That was the last that she wanted to say to him. She had seen him with Ronald a day ago, but she did' nt want to let it get to her. “What do you mean?” Irritated he walked around the desk to get near Grell. She approached the door and looked again back at him. “You just could have said that there is another one. Then I could have stopped struggling a little sooner.” She smiled her typical thoothie smile and opened the door. “Good night, darlin. Don´t stay up late!” 

Just for a moment William saw his old companion with short red hair and the black suit right before him. The next moment Grell was gone and he was left alone in his office. Only now he noticed that his heart was racing. What was she talking about? He and Ronald? He remembered that the young reaper was a bit clingy the last days. He even gave him a kiss on the cheek, but William had immediately scolded him for that behavior. Ronald was a fledgling but he was' nt to harsh with him, because he liked him. But of all reaper he would never consider to make more of him than a subordinate. After all that time, what bothered him the most, was that it was' nt really in Grells nature to be hurt so easily. That was what he assumed and that was the reason why he was' nt able to understand what in the world was going on.

~-~

Grell had retreated to her apartment. Everything was quiet. Too quiet. The silence in the room was oppressive and her ears began to hurt. She decided to take a shower. On her way to the bathroom, she led pieces of her clothes fall. Then came her shoes. First the right, then the left. For a moment, she stared at them in her hands just before she tossed them against the next wall. She was already tall enough, what use would the heels have anyway? She freed herself of the rest of her clothing and the glasses and stopped right before the mirror over the sink. With careful hands she removed the fake eyelashes and cleared her eyes. Now she took a clear look at herself. “Come on boy, stop being so girly.” She grinned at herself, went away from the mirror and climbed into the shower. 

The water was cold as she turned it on, but she did' nt mind. She leaned her head against the wall of the shower and let water run down her back. With closed eyes she began to slowly relax a bit. She grabbed the soap and began to spread it. Again parts of her own body were' nt right in her eyes. “Would it be really better if it was different?” A question that circled her mind every time she was really confronted with herself. What if there were some breast? What if her hips were more curvy? What if she could BE a woman? Would it help?

After washing her hair intensively, she grabbed a towel and walked back to the mirror. She rubbed her hair and stared at it. After she realized what William meant to her and after he rejected her the 10th time, she began growing it with the slight hope, it would make her girlier. But if she looked now in the mirror, she saw only a guy with long hair. “I wanted to be a woman...for you...” With a smirk she opened the bathroom cabinet and took a pair of scissors out of it. Slowly she began to cut the long red hair, strand for strand.

After an hour of cutting, the young reaper she ones was, looked back at her from the mirror. “Hello handsome...” After all this time, of being the reaper with the nickname crimson, she was very proud of the long red mane. But now, being HIM again felt so much better or at least it seemed to be. She or maybe he put back on her or maybe his glasses. “Were' nt you a pretty one? Red, is my color after all. At last, that's something, nobody can take away from me.”

The redhead left the bathroom to get some sleeping clothes, wandering over the mess of clothing on the floor. The bathroom was also a mess of red. But not with blood, but with many many long red strands of hair from a man who wanted to be a woman, for a really long time.

-~-


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grell's new appearance isn't the only thing that's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a long time here is the new chapter. It's depressing I think but it will get better.

The next day Grell was wearing his black suit and black shoes. For not even 15 minutes he stood in front of the mirror. No make-up, no fake eyelashes. Only his face like it was the moment he became a reaper. Yes, this was the man, who had opened his eyes, after his death to become a reaper. The man, not the woman.

After he was certain that his clothes and hair were in place, he stepped out of his room to the morning meeting were the reapers got their new lists. Many eyes were focusing on him and instantly the whispers began. “Who is that?” “Is that him?” “Are you sure?” Were some of the things Grell could hear. But he decided to ignore it.

Instead of collecting his daily list of dying humans he should reap, he walked over to the coffeemaker and got himself some coffee. Every time he used it, he was wondering why humans didn't get something like this.

It didn't wonder him that William only took exactly 5 minutes to walk over to him. They were partners for a very long time and nobody but William was so used to Grell's actual look like him. “What's with that look, Sutcliff?” came the sharp question from the superior.

Grell looked up at him and gave him one of his sharp grins. “Morning Will, what do you mean?” William's brows tightened dangerously. “You know exactly what I mean. Stop playing dumb!” The other reaper chuckled. “I've made a style change. I didn't think it's your business, because I'am allowed to wear what I want after all!” He was still grinning, but his eyes spoke another language.

Just for a moment though, William's look changed from angry to really worried. But then he said “Fine.” and walked away, back to his work. //Got you!//

Grell drank his coffee very slowly and focused on William's back. Now he should see what a women's wrath really was. //What?// He chuckled again. Was he really having such silly thoughts? Why should he try to be a woman again? He was right as he was now. William would learn to understand as well.

After he drank of his coffee, he walked over to get his list. On the way, Ronald crossed his way, cheerful as always. His eyes became big as he spotted Grell. “S-Sempai?” With fast steps he came over. “What happened to you? Why is your hair that short?” He asked like the little boy he was. “Good morning, Ronald.” Grell said with emphasis. “Well, you see, it feels really better that way. The hair was only in the way, so I cut it.”

To avoid further conversation with him, Grell walked by as Ronald stood there, really confused, not knowing what he should say or do. //Shitty little brat.// As Ronald arrived with the newbies, Grell really wanted to look after him. He liked him and his impulsive manner. But for now, he wished that he still be dead, instead of becoming a reaper.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The day was long and boring. The humans Grell came for had nothing of interest. Not one record was really intriguing. The redhead sat by a young woman, who was betrayed by her husband and finally took her own life. She cut her wrists, so that her blood made a real mess on the floor. He wondered if she would become a reaper to. Then it happened, something that had occurred only a few times to him.

Sometimes, if the death of a human, was too similar of that of a shinigami, who always died of suicide, than a glimpse of their past life came back. So for Grell, it came with a headache. He remembered that he not only wanted to be a woman, but he was when he was still alive. A beautiful wedding day, a white wedding dress and a man who smiles at her. But then it went red, all red and he remembered also, that his hair was still red, after all that time.

For more then 4 decades, Grell hadn't shed a single tear, but now he couldn't hold it back any longer. The tears were flowing and unstoppable and for the first time he was really glad not wearing any make-up. He didn't know why he was crying. If it was for the sudden memory or much more because of William.

It wasn't important right now. As he calmed down a little bit, he was feeling so much lighter. “I must really look like a mess...” he murmured. He grabbed the little mirror, that was lying right next to the dead woman and looked in it. “Hm, for a mess you loo really good...” Carefully, he wiped the tears from his cheeks. It was so irritating, to see himself like that. How long was it, that he last had seen his own face, without the fancy make-up? He had forgotten that he liked it, even if it wasn't painted.

He put the mirror into the hands of the woman. “Well then, see you in a while.” He smiled and walked away. His duty for the day was over and so he went back to the shinigami world.  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

As he got back, he went directly to William's office, to give him the records. He knocked and got in. “I'm done for today, here!” He put the records on William's desk and was about to go, but William stood up and Grell stopped. “How long have you planned on playing this game?” The eyes of the superior were as always, focused and fathomless. But what concerned Grell far more, was that there was no cold within them.

Normally William showed no emotion, but just now, Grell had the feeling that something within his look had moved. “What game do you mean? Is your work finally that boring?” “Don't mock me, Grell!” For a moment Grell went silent, but then he smiled again. “What's wrong superior? Did I do something to displease you?” William walked around the desk and over to Grell until he stood right in front of him.

“You look tired, you mustn't talk to me right now, but I want you to explain what's wrong. I know you long enough, you don't change your appearance out for nothing!” Now Grell went from carefree to angry. “I must nothing you moron! You never noticed that something is wrong, so why bother now? Sit your damn ass down over your work and let me go! That is what you want after all!” Grell really tried not to raise his voice. Finally William made a terrible mistake and lifted a hand to Grell's glasses.

Furious as he was Grell slapped his hand away and yelled at him. “Don't touch me! It's already too late!” In an instant, he turned on his heel and stepped out the room. Really frightened, William looked at his hand and then stared to the door, which Grell had slammed. What in the world made him this furious? Was it really because he saw him with Ronald? He had something to do, or he might lose Grell forever, that was crystal clear for him.

Meanwhile Grell hustled to his room and locked the door. What had he done? To be like that in front of William. He sat down and tried to calm down again. Why was he that angry? William really tried. For the first time William had really tried to figure out, what the problem was and he was yelling at him. He felt bad, really bad. But on the other hand, William must know now, that he really was angry at him and that he really had done something wrong. Didn't he?

This night, both of them had far too less sleep. Both of them were wondering what the other one was doing, but both of them weren't able to do something. William was working and not working at the same time, because he couldn't stop thinking, as Grell was planning on new things to get Williams attention for the next day.


End file.
